STORY OF A SELF CONFESSED DEPRESSED PERSON.(updated)

BY K P PASWAN.

TRUE STORY

This is a true story of a qualified technocrat who by his own admission was overambitious which led to depression and panic attack but managed to recover and is leading a normal life. In his own words,

I am an Electrical Engineer, educated in a reputed Engineering College. My dream was to join a service for Engineers, for which there used to be a competitive examination . In the first attempt I failed, so I pinned my hopes on the second attempt, but once again, I failed. Only one attempt was left, and I pondered over the reasons of my failure. Every candidate was given only three chances to clear the examination. For the third and final attempt, I studied hard and after sitting for the competitive examination, I was convinced that I would clear my hurdle but I failed in my final attempt. 

VAGUE FEAR I began to notice certain changes in myself, there was sadness and disturbed sleep. Than one day in a stormy night suddenly, I began to weep, it was raining and every body rushed to me, but after 15 minutes I became normal. This incident happened nearly twenty years ago. Being an educated person I concluded that I was heading for trouble and that I may suffer from mental illness. 

At that time there used to be a famous psychiatrist at a distance of 300 kms from my native place. On the pretext of going in for an interview, I went to meet the psychiatrist, who saw me,examined and asked a few searching questions and finally, told me that I had a nervous breakdown, and he consoled me, told me, engage in some  other works. In the name of medicines, he advised me to take low dose of a tranquilizer for a few months and warned me that relapse of panic attack or nervousness  was very common, and not to give up prescribed drug without consulting him. He advised me to read religious books at bed time and do morning walk and simple Yogic exercise. I followed his advice sincerely, and began to notice marked improvement. Unfortunately when the improvement was at its zenith, the psychiatrist died of heart attack and thinking that there was no need to take the drug, I stopped the drug and within twenty days I suffered another nervous breakdown and once again everything became normal within 15 minutes. I lost my sleep and I often had vague fear. Life became hell for me.

SECOND DOCTOR Than I had an occasion to visit the Engineering College situated at a distance of nearly 200 kms from my residence, There I decided to meet a MBBS doctor attached with the college, I narrated everything in detail and for nearly one hour, I talked to him, he was noting down several points and this reminded me of my meeting with the psychiatrist, who was no more. Than he studied the prescription of the psychiatrist and for the first time, he prescribed an antidepressant of low dose, and he asked me to remain in the city for at least 15 days and report him immediately, if I ever developed suicidal tendency. There was no such type of dreaded thinking even in the past and after one week I noticed extraordinary improvement and this report pleased the doctor.

FOR FRANCE In my Engineering College I came to know of vacancy of Engineering graduates from a French Co. I also filled the form without even slight hope of being selected. After three month I was called for interview. I met the doctor, who once again examined me and told that there was nothing wrong and cautioned me against stopping the drug suddenly. Needless to say my vague fear was gone forever.

SELECTION  After seven months, I was selected along with 11 others for the jobs in France. And before leaving for France, I met my doctor attached with the Engineering College. He reassured me of brighter days ahead and told me to remain in constant touch with him through correspondence and told me to adjust the dose as per my requirement. I left for France. To my surprise I found myself surrounded by Indian workers. The place of my work was far away from Paris, but easily reachable. And after one and half month, I began to look for a competent doctor as I wanted to get rid of my disease permanently. I had to work hard which kept me engaged free from irrational thinking, responsible for my disease and when one day, I casually mentioned to a physician, who was in our factory as a permanent counselor, he was not surprised that the drug I was taking, was being taken by a large number of workforce, majority of them in managerial capacity and this gave me further solace.

 After one year, our place of work was changed to another units of the same factory and while journeying to new place, I noticed a board, Yoga Center, it was not difficult for me to go their after finishing my jobs in the manufacturing unit.  When I visited the Yoga Center, I was shocked to see several VIPs along with rich and poor, practicing Yoga under the guidance of a French Yoga expert and also an aged Indian master of Yoga.

 There was a separate enclosure named as Shivanand ways of Yoga. Saint Shivanand was the most celebrated Yoga master of India. Needless to say I enrolled there. Later on I found that many known psychiatrist were visiting the Yoga Centers regularly. While in India I picked up certain Yogic postures, display of which in the Yoga center, impressed others, after seeing my postures the psychiatrists advised me to reduce the dose of antidepressant drug under his guidance.So titration of dose began.

After four months there was further titration and by the end of third year, when our contract was about to end, I was no more on antidepressant. There was withdrawal symptoms, but these were managed by symptomatic treatments. I have firm belief in  GOD and I have every word of the holy Geeta in my memory.  I read Geeta every night at my bed time. After the end of contract I got another job in a different place but near to yoga center. The French Psychiatrist was surprised to know that I was taking my panic attack so seriously and told me that such type of disease was common among youngsters and get worse by wrong treatment. In the Yoga center I learned a particular type of, Yoga breathing suggested by late Sri Iyengar and when I mastered that breathing exercise,I realized that five minutes of that breathing exercises, once a day in the morning, was equal to ten tabs of tranquilizers. While in France. I came close to a qualified nurse, she is extremely good looking and now we are married.

HOME AGAIN After six years I came back to my home to be welcomed by my family and friends. Our wedding was once again solemnized as per our traditions and my French wife was delighted. We celebrate Christmas and Diwali with great fanfare. Now the question, why I suffered? The answer is simple, my impossible ambition. Back in India, I read in the newspaper that several celebrates wee committing suicides, it is simply because of their day dreams. They are far from realizing, that we always aspire for something difficult to achieve, we always think about achieving impossible thing.

TALK THERAPY In the western countries talk therapy is preferred side by side with drug therapy and in most of the cases there was no need for drug, provided talk therapy is conducted in a scientific manner. In India, a large number of students are graduated with psychology as prime subject, their services can be utilized as  counselors, but their talent is wasted. Moreover celebrities battling depression are in the habit of changing doctors after doctors even if doctors are psychiatrists, It is because lack of communication between the physician and the patient. In India most of the suicide committed by patients were found to be in touch with psychiatrists. It means that the patient was kept on drugs without talk therapy or counseling was not imparted in a scientific way. I remember the words of my first psychiatrist Don't allow the drugs to control you, instead you control drugs.

In India as well as in European countries most of the higher ups are taking sleeping pills or tranquilizers, just to cope with tension. Life without tension is meaningless provided, we try to cope it with strong will. We often hear that certain celebrates of Hollywood are battling depression for a long time and committing suicide out of desperation. Similarly most of the younger generations, suffer from panic due to lack of employment or failed love. All over the world, women are more vulnerable to mental sickness.

 Barring extreme cases of bipolar disorder, there is no need to prescribe modern novel drugs, when a competent psychiatrist would tackle the patient by counseling alone, it is so because that the so called novel drugs may be more efficient without toxic side effects, but the attending doctor has no time to be in constant touch with the patient. There are several new drugs available in the market. These drugs are as efficient as older drugs, but with less toxic side effects. All these drugs are supposed to rectify neurotransmitter in the brain. Less or more neurotransmitter is an assumption, but not scientifically proved, these drugs are successfully used in treating depression and other symptoms related with hypertension and even diabetic. All the tranquilizers are effective against panic, but are highly addictive. Adjustment of drugs, perseverance and strong will are necessary for a permanent cure and for these regular counseling by trained psychologist is of paramount importance. In majority of cases meeting with a psychiatrist may not be necessary, it is not like other disease but product of brain engaged in irrational thinking.

 LAST WORDS. Nine years have passed and, I am waiting for a relapse, but the waiting is likely to grow longer and longer.It is my own experience, that practice of Yoga may be made compulsory in schools as it is a strong way of calming tension ridden mind. If drugs are necessary,than patient may be encouraged to adjust the dose as per response.In majority cases, complete recovery is a reality and not a dream.